Friday, September 19, 2014

I’m so deeply unhappy.

I don’t have a fucking future. I can’t do anything that is considered good and that can get me work in this country. I don’t want to go to university here, and I don’t want to have to speak Portuguese. The one thing that was keeping me going and making me confident that I can do things was my business, and now I have nothing. I lost all of my students.
My boyfriend is depressed. He wants to be a writer but we need time for him to publish his books and we probably won’t have money to pay the rent next month either. If we lose our office, he will be homeless. The thought of getting a ‘normal job’ such as retail or even at an English school triggers my anxiety like crazy and it will be a regression. I won’t have time to work on our side projects if I get a job. I will be sad, probably won’t be very productive and might get fired.
My only goal in life is to move to an English speaking country where people are more open minded so that I can be myself. It’s ridiculous that even the thought of getting a ‘normal job’ in the US is A LOT more appealing than getting one here.
I’ve lost all hope. We’re not going to make the rent next month. My dad is probably going to lose his job because he’s had to take a month off because of the surgery, without pay. And we’ll lose our apartment if he’s not working there anymore.

I’m sorry if anyone is reading this, you can unfollow me. I needed to unburden because I just don’t know what else to do. No one believes me. Not my family, not my clients, no one. I don’t have any friends here. No one would help me if I asked for help. They would tell me to get a job, when all I’ve been doing is trying to make a life for myself. I refuse to conform to what these people think life is about, I refuse to believe there isn’t a place in the world for me. I just want food, and a place to live, and something to do. Please. I’m so tired.